August 17, 2012

my entirely too long explanation

I'm sure you have just been dying to know why I chose this verse for my new outdoor chalkboard, right?  Well, here is my extremely concise and to the point answer....

Lately, I've been realizing how little space I have given God to walk with me through the painful time we are going through.  I have been so disappointed with him that I have chosen to mostly avoid him, apart from my monthly begging and pleading for a baby.

I have struggled with how a loving and all-powerful God could allow us to suffer like we have and to allow it to go on for so long.  God is our heavenly father.  Because this is the language we use for God, so much of our view of God is shaped by our earthly father.  To me, that meant that God was loving and intimately involved in my life.  He was a protector who sheltered me from the difficulties of life.  So, when all this started three years ago, my view of God was turned upside down.  I just kept thinking to myself that if God is supposed to love me more than my own dad, how could he let this happen.  My dad would never let me go through this if it was within his control.

I remember thinking that things were so bad that God would have to show up in big ways, and I expected to see a miracle.  I expected the situation to be redeemed.  I expected a lot from God, and the fact that he hasn't shown up in the ways that I wanted him to (because He has shown up in other, smaller ways), just furthered my disappointment with him and made me distrust him more.

I have definitely had moments of intense anger towards God.  I have said things to him that I would never admit out loud.  But, more than I have been angry with God, I have been confused by Him.  I think we feel a bit like the Israelites, who were led by God out of Egypt, but then wandered in the desert for 40 years before entering the Promised Land.  We felt led by God to have biological children (along with the adopted children that we have always wanted.)  It was one of the clearest and most obvious ways that God showed up for us in these last three years.  But now we are left wandering and confused because of the infertility we are facing.  It feels like God led us and left us.

Because of my confusion and anger and distrust, I have left God out of the pain.  I have tried to forge my own way through it from my own strength.  But, it isn't working.  I am realizing that keeping God at a distance isn't helping me through anything, and it is only furthering the isolation I feel.  So, I'm attempting to let him back in and to let him carry me through this.  I am trying to trust Him again.  And He is there.  I can feel Him.

I'm not trying to say that in coming to this realization some switch was flipped and everything is fine now.  It's not.  It still sucks.  But, in coming to the painful reality that my desire to have a baby has far outweighed my desire for God, I am learning the hard way that only He can satisfy. 

I need Him more than I need a baby.

Verses like this help remind me of that.

***Maybe you are reading this and thinking that I am just one big cry baby and that a lot of people are way worse off than us. I know.  I am blessed in many, many ways, and I often have to remind myself of this fact.  Bottom line, I love my husband more than I could ever put into words here, and he is my greatest blessing, whether we ever have kids or not.  And, my family is the most amazing family that I wouldn't trade for all the kids in this world.   They (and I am referring to both my family and Nick's family) have been there with us, and they hurt for us in ways no one else can.  So, yes, my suffering is hard, but it's not unbearable (even though it feels that way at times).

Okay, this is a really long post, which is clearly not concise or even close to the point, and I am sure that I have bored you to tears.

And, as you have probably noticed, I added a playlist to this blog...because I always wanted my life to have a soundtrack to it.


  1. Beautifully said, Mindy. I'm praying for you and Nick!

  2. WOW!! Mindy, don't know if you remember me but I am a long, long time friend of the Kinniers. I feel like you "looked" into my heart and wrote my exact feelings that I have not been able to put into words. Your post ministered to me in ways you will never, ever know. Thank you!!!

    Julie Jones

  3. I could have written this I've also been down the infertility road. My road with all it's curves hills bumps and craters. It was also a lonely road or so I thought and felt at the time. Most my friends and family couldn't relate. I learned God is almighty and powerful. I now have two boys, both adopted at birth. Miracles, because we didn't have funds to adopted. Both times young mothers decided to give my babies a better life. God opened the flood gates and poured his blessings and paved the way!

  4. Well, I'm definitely in "tears" but it's NOT because you have "bored" me. I love you, Mindy, and I wish you did not have to experience this pain. And while it may feel like we've been abandoned in this way, we must hold tight to His Promise that He Will Never Leave Us Or Forsake Us in any way, shape, or form! OX, Dawn Montgomery