Some people make the decision to adopt after coming to terms with the reality that they are not going to get pregnant. They shut that door and open the next. That's not me. I have not shut the door on a pregnancy, and I have no desire to shut that door at this point. We made the decision to adopt because it was something we always wanted to do. Because we wanted a break from the roller coaster of infertility. Because we wanted to be parents, and we were sick of waiting for it to happen to us. Because we believe that God loves adoption and calls his people to it.
But the reality is I still want to get pregnant.
I had a mini meltdown the other night. Nick was telling me some new fact he learned about pregnancy from some girls who are obviously not me. Something about it hurt, and it took me a minute to figure it out, but I did. He and I don't get to experience pregnancy together. I don't want him to learn about what it is like to be pregnant from other people. I want him to learn from our own experience.
Don't get me wrong. I am a mom now, and I am so grateful. I love our little guy so much it hurts, and I would not trade him for all the fertility in the world. Us not getting pregnant when we wanted to is the reason why he's ours now, so how can I not praise God for the infertility?
But adoption doesn't fix infertility. It doesn't take away the pain that my body won't work. It doesn't change the fact that I am still on the outside of the experience of the majority of women. It's not an issue of wanting a child of "our own". (Don't get me started on that little phrase-Silas is very much our own). It's an issue of my identity as a woman. When I am with other moms, I don't get to participate in the conversations they so often have about pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. I am still an outsider.
We may pursue fertility treatment for our next child. We aren't there yet, but we are in discussions. We do not have moral qualms with most fertility treatment. Some people just have medical issues and need a little help. We seek help for other medical conditions, so this is no different. We do not know yet where we will draw the line as far as a stopping point goes. We aren't even at the starting point yet.
I've heard people say that infertility is God's way of calling people to adopt. That makes me really mad, especially since it is usually coming from people who have not dealt with infertility. People who get pregnant easily don't have more right to having biological children than people who deal with infertility, and people who deal with infertility do not have more of a responsibility to adopt than people who have biological children.
All that to say, infertility is a complicated thing. It slaps you in the face at the most unexpected times, and I'm still working my way through it. I pray that Nick and I will get to experience pregnancy and childbirth together someday, but since we don't know what the outcome of that prayer will be yet, we will just enjoy this parenting journey together. It's extra sweet after waiting so long for it.
Photo Credit: X&V Photography (first 4 photos from when Silas was 3 weeks old)
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I love your honesty Mindy. I love seeing you and Nick with Silas and knowing what a gift he is to you both. He is most definitely your own child. You and Nick were God's plan for Silas all along. xo
ReplyDeleteI could not agree more, Mindy, even with the complete ANGEL God has given us in Isabella Hope. Adoption does not "fix infertility." But we are responsible to deal with our grief so that it does not negatively impact the blessings/children God HAS given us. Otherwise...they may be left feeling as though they are not enough. I appreciate you taking responsibility for your own grief and not expecting the Gift of Silas to "fix" it. I hear you...and my heart feels many of the same emotions. And yes, it does continue to come up for me at the most random times. Yet, our God is faithful and He can handle ALL of our emotions. Love you, Friend. Thank you for sharing your heart because you usually minister to mine in some way. OX
ReplyDeleteI totally agree Dawn. I never want Silas to feel like he is not enough. He is more than enough. It really has nothing to do with needing or wanting different children. It's just about feeling like an outsider....but you know that all too well (and so does Jesus). Thanks for being such an encouragement to me through this whole process. You guys are awesome!
DeleteRight there with you! The sting of infertility lessens with time, but never fully goes away!
ReplyDeleteOh Mindy how right you are! We did treatments for 6 years to have my now 6 year old. When he was born the pain and frustration melted away. Or so I thought until about 2 years later when we tried for a sibling. Sitting in the doc office for cycle 1 of retry was like I had never left. The pain and all of the emotions came back just as hard as before. Those cycles didn't work and this year is our final try, and truth be told I'm scared. I know the emotions that will be coming back and it already sucks!!! Xoxo
ReplyDeleteJeanne-Thanks so much for sharing your story! I will be praying for you guys and that this final try is a success for you. I totally get being scared. I'm terrified of starting to start trying again, mostly because of the emotional toll that it takes on me.
DeleteYou are beautiful, honest, and vulnerable. The transparency you share is what we have been called to because it allows others who have been silent to be set free, to have someone who is able to say, "me too." You also remind others about the need to be aware of the things we say so flippantly. I know we are in completely different seasons, but I have been trying to rest in the beauty of God writing my story. As much as I would like to take the pen from His hand, I can't or even ask that He take someone else's chapter and add it to my story. It's hard to be present with the story we have been given some days. Luckily, His kindness meets us in those dark days. Your little family is so loved, and I will continue to pray for your continued journey. But again, thank you for being you...bravely.
ReplyDeleteYou are the best Ashly. Just this comment is so beautifully written, and I totally relate to wanting to write my own story. Thanks for sharing this.
DeleteThose pictures are just precious! Love, Cousin Jill
ReplyDeleteThanks Jill!!!
DeleteBeautifully said. I just found you on Instagram and I've been reading your posts starting with when you were matched! My husband and I are in the middle of fundraising/waiting on our baby through adoption. I'm so thrilled to follow your journey through parenthood as well as your desire to still have biological children. {I am right here with you.} Much love! :)
ReplyDeleteHey! Thanks for commenting and sharing a bit of your story! I just started following you back on Instagram. I can't wait to see the baby God has for you guys! It's such an exciting time!
Deletei've been perusing your blog! found it via casey's and your posts are just breaths of fresh air... been married 14 years and dealing with "a body that doesn't work" for 8... you penned that well... hope for a barren womb just is... kinda a blessing and a curse of sorts... praying for your hope!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I are beginning to consider adopting our second child. I came across your blog as I google searched adoption profiles hoping to find some fresh ideas. I clicked on the link to your blog, probably mostly because we share the same first name, but as I read through more of your adoption posts, we share SO much more in common. We too struggle with infertility and may continue that struggle for many years. Our son, who is adopted, is 20 months old and we LOVE adoption, yet it has taken me all 20 months to be genuinely excited with the fact that our next child will likely be adopted as well. But as you said, "I wouldn't trade [Theodore] for all the fertility in the world." Your words resonated so much with so many of the thoughts and feelings I've had over the last few years. The timing was perfect for me to read you Christ-centered, yet honest thoughts and feelings. Thank you.
ReplyDeletemelindakay05@sbcglobal.net
I can relate to this so much! As we've started talking about our second child, I've felt so torn. I love, love, love adoption and know that we want to adopt again. I just have such a hard time giving up the idea of ever being pregnant. I had my heart set on our second child coming to us that way, but I just don't know if that's going to happen anymore. I have been reminding myself lately that God blew me away with how incredible Silas is, so I should expect nothing less with our second child, regardless of how he/she comes to us. Prayers for you as you start the process to bring home your second little one! Keep me posted on your progress :)
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