April 18, 2014

Good Friday

"Teach me, O Lord, to glory in my cross. Teach me the value of my thorns. Show me how I have climbed to You through the path of pain. Show me it is through my tears I have seen rainbows."
-George Matheson

A woman stopped me at the beach last week.  I was cleaning the sand off of Silas, getting ready to leave. She tentatively approached me, afraid of offending me, and asked if she could talk to me about adoption. (I guess it's pretty obvious that Silas is adopted.) She told me that she and her husband have been dealing with infertility and are thinking of switching gears to adoption. She shared her heartache and the physical and emotional pain she has experienced in her infertility journey. I told her we also walked that road and how I know those feelings well. She expressed genuine surprise and relief at hearing that someone actually understood what she's going through. Infertility is such an isolating experience, and I could sense how alone she feels. But I also saw hope and excitement in her eyes, as she heard our story and saw for herself how beautiful adoption is and that she is not alone in her struggle.  I gave her my information and I haven't stopped praying for her since. 

And there it was....glory in my cross and value in my thorns.

My worst days as a parent are a thousand times better than my best days dealing with infertility.  The sleepless nights are far more bearable than the many nights I cried myself to sleep, only to have to wake up to the same reality again. There are definitely hard days with parenting, but our infertility journey puts those days into perspective.  Just like every other parent, we have to deal with the sleep training and the crying and the baby who won't nap, or who wakes up every hour of the night or who just needs to be held all day. And I'm sure that the list will get longer and harder as he gets older.  And this all could seem so terribly mundane and tiring and HARD, if I had not been given the time to realize just how badly I wanted it. The days of struggle have made me grateful...more grateful than I would have been without them.

Through my tears, I have seen rainbows.

"May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me and I to the world."
Galations 6:14

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  1. I am sure when she saw you with Silas that she knew you were going to understand and give her hope. You look so happy.

  2. I know exactly what you are feeling. When we were finally able to have our son after 6 years of fertility treatments there was very little pain or exhaustion that wasn't perfectly fine with us because it was something we didn't know if we'd ever be able to experience. My friends said I was the happiest pregnant woman they'd ever seen and that I never complained. My response was always the same - I was just SO HAPPY to be ABLE to experience any hardships it just wasn't that bad anymore. Fertility is SUCH an isolating problem and yet at the same time I am happy that it's not something more people can relate to. Because if they could, it would mean they'd have to go through it too and I've often said I'd never wish the infertility struggle on even my worst enemy!

    1. I totally agree! And I have thought many times that if I ever do have the privilege of experiencing pregnancy, I can't see how I could possibly complain. I am SURE that there are challenges and that it is painful, but I just don't think it could compare to the emotional pain of infertility.

  3. You are a beautiful woman! Please never stop sharing your story that God has been weaving.